Feeling a little bit more ‘normal’. No, feeling a little more like ‘me’ 

so…. The anxiety got tot the point where I was crying when travelling in a car, thinking I was going to die.  Thinking this had become a little out of hand I set off to my GP.  Learning my named GP had left in March! March!! I haven’t been into the surgery since March, my darling partner does all the phoning and arguing over meds  and communications between the mental health team and my GP, so basically  a big cheer to me for staying out of there for that long.  So I arrive for my 17:20 appointment with the new part time GP and get called in just before BEFORE my appointment that has never happened in my surgery.  By 17:20 I was stood in the pharmacy collecting a prescription.  He didn’t want to hear what I had to say and rely asked me which medication I wanted to increase.  He picked one for me.  Increased it to he maximum daily dose and sent me packing.  I have no issue with this, but for someone suffering with acute anxiety it was a little overwhelming.  We shall see if this approach works and I start to calm down.  Today has been a little less stressful with 3 big doses in me.  But now need to see if that’s in my head or if it’s really working over the next few days.   

I’m going home to see my mum and dad in a few weeks and need to feel better and enjoy myself by then.  Fingers crossed 

Family on a Sunday 

I we have trevelledethe length of the county to share this specials day with the family it’s one year since the passing of my  much loved and respected father Inlaw.  Did the day go to plan? Hhhmmmppphhhh
Started with shouting. And abuse. Moved on to half the family setting off to said destination and the the other half racing up the m6 behind. Trying to catch up.  We all caught up 😀. Had a cake a out of this world delicious home made muffins,  then was off to the second destination oh what a shambles. Did not feature on the plan of the day and contained too much  alcohol for some 
Anxiety and bipolar traits set In and Couldn’t cope any More,my darling wife made our excuses an we exited swiftly.  Travelling g back with our gorgeous niece acquiring pizza and chocolate and bottle of prosecco along the way. Which was delicious.  Not what I expected or was looking forward toe.  People don’t understanding can’t cope with minor change

Why must plans. Change why must I forced to socialise with groups of people I doing known in settings I don’t know .  Panic.  Anxiety . Fight or flight feeling like s child.  Feeling inadequate.  Panic crying hyperventilating flight!!!

Overbearing families are more than I Can cope with at this delicate time.  And plans…. Keep to the plans pleeaasseeeee


i have been having the most unstable time of late even though I am on a good medication regime.  My anxiety is uncontrollable I don’t leave the house, answer the phone or communicate with Anyone besides my wife and mum. And I have started having these routines I have to play out involving hand movement and sounds ie squeaking sounds.  It’s embarrassing but like a compulsion I cannot control. What is this and where has it come from?  I’m not depressed and I am of manic just intensely anxious and struggling with these compulsions.  I’m thinking of visiting my GP to see if he has any ideas of anxiety medication I have not tried as my psych is away on his hols and the duty Worker does their best but then there is the difficulty of trying out get a script approved, well at my surgery anyway.  

Fear and paranoia

This year I’ve learnt so much about living with bipolar, even though I’ve been living with it for years.  At the moment it’s paranoia and fear and anxiety taking over my life even though I know better.

i think the world is conspiring against me I think the police are coming to take me away and I think every security guard is watching me.  It’s terrifying.  Every car door that shuts in my street I think are the police coming – so I am a prisoner hiding in my home.  I only leave my house once a week with my partner so I know I am safe in their care but now even that’s a struggle. generalised anxiety disorder I’m told. And once again medicated.  Today is a better day. Last night I couldn’t sleep,waiting for people to come in my house with axes.  I knew they were coming.  So today I took an as and when tablet and had a sleep.  Now I’m feeling rational and reasonably safe.

long may this last

Bipolar banting and blogging

its been a few days and I’m still soooooo tired on these tablets but they really are helping.  So not complaining there.   I made the positive decision to start banting to lose the pounds gained by past medications.  My step sister is doing it and looking fantastic and started at a similar weight to me. 

It’s fun thinking up the meals and shopping lists and the food is tasty, no sugar low carbs, sounds awful but it’s not here are a few examples 


Breakfast of egg baked in a mushroom with Turkey rashers


Homemade sugar free banting granola 



Steak with mushroom sauce greens and avocado.  This didn’t work very well because I was vegetarian until very recently and didn’t enjoy red meat AT ALL… So white meat it will have to be 



Stuffed chicken greens and cauliflower mash. Was delicious.

So I’m trying to be positive and proactive in this thick drug induced fog.

If any of you are Banting leave a comment with any foodie suggestions please 😃 


Ive not written in a while as all I’ve done is sleep.  I seem to be impersonating my cat.  I doze all night. Wake up, take medication and boom I’m asleep all day.  Wake up and top up again…. 4 times a day in total.  However this will start changing next week when I am weening off one sleep inducer. Hooray. But an even bigger hooray is the lack of general anxiety, it feels amazing to be calmer and not pacing the house like a caged animal. I’m still anxious and paranoid about specific things but not just the general 24/7 stuff and intense attacks.  

On another note have discoverd and become addicted to YouTube!  I had no idea what it was all about and kinda just ignored it for the last how many years. It’s awesome I’ve subscribed to a load of awesome people doing funny and interesting things.  Everyone needs a little something to brighten their day 😃

Insomnia v

just when we thought theses insomnia posts were over. BOOM!  Here’s another.  I went to bed, caught up on some you tube and went to sleep. All good so far. An hour and a half later my wife comes to bed… No subtlety here mind you, and wakes me up. Now 3 hours later, countless YouTube videos, milk, antacids and a hot cross bun here we are. 

I’m calm, a little grumpy, but no real reason for being awake!!!  Why??????   Every time I think I turned a corner, we fall back into the hole.  My wife asked, between snoring, if I wanted to go sleep upstairs?  I said no I’d stay here as I’m scared of being up there lately… That’s another story. 

I went to see a medium a few years back and then again last year. Both times she said I have people watching me at the end of my bed!!   Horror she described them in intimate detail. 

So now I’m afraid of the dark and being alone at night because I believe there are ghosts all around. Great. Very helpful to a bipolar patient with psychotic episodes. Very helpful……

So here I am awake with my sweet little dog for company.  Even she’s giving up and falling asleep.  Not too many hours till more medication, maybe I’ll sleep the morning away.

Happy long weekend all x


Help at hand 

today I took all my courage and called the duty worker!  She was so lovely and so helpful.  And the end result was them working with my gp surgery and me having a new prescriotion within hours!  Unheard of! (At my surgery anyway).    

Starting the new addition tonight fingers crossed it’s all going to go well…..